Sherlock Panda

Grab your magnifying glass. Activate those little grey cells. This week, I’d like you all to do some serious detecting for me. It has come to my attention that I am being plagued by several mysteries.

I’ve tried to channel Nancy Drew and solve them by myself, but it turns out I’m shit at sleuthing. (Rats; there go my hopes of becoming the new Jessica Fletcher in my middle/old age).

So, if you could take a moment to consider my mysteries, and shed a bit of light on them, I’ll be totes grateful. Answers on a postcard.

1. I use my keys every day. To lock my flat, to unlock my flat, to retrieve my post, to get into my locker at work. Let’s say I handle them on average 4 to 5 times a day. They’re also pretty nice and distinctive, due to the Lotso and Mr Pricklepants keyrings attached to them.

And so it’s somewhat weird that I’ve suddenly noticed there is a large bronze key on there which is a complete mystery to me. I have no recollection of ever acquiring or using it, and I have no clue what it unlocks or opens up. It says E*S on one side and 058 on the other. Can anybody crack this code?

2. I used my windscreen wipers a couple of weeks ago, just flicked them on and off to clear a few rogue raindrops.

Only they didn’t go off. They kept merrily wiping. And wiping. And wiping. And it didn’t matter which notch I put the wiper-lever-thingy onto, or how many times I shouted ‘How are you doing this?’ hysterically at the car. They just kept going. Ignoring the fact that I was doing 70mph along the M62, and really not in a position to explore the manual.

After 11 minutes, they mysteriously stopped. And have behaved themselves ever since. Windscreen wiper gremlins? Or something more sinister?

3. In my phone, I have saved the number of a ‘Gavin’. Which is odd. Because, to my knowledge, I have never met anyone named Gavin. Let alone considered myself on friendly-enough terms with one to save him in my phone without adding his surname. Does anyone know a Gavin? A Gavin that I might know? Gavin, if you’re out there, who the hell are you?

4. Where the fuck are my panda ear-muffs? I could really do with them right now.

Yours, perplexed but ever on the case,

Sherlock Panda.