Things that have changed since I moved to Paris.

Some changes I expected. Sure. Like I would develop an amazing instinct for recalling every detail of the Metro map. Or I would discover some kind of magic brain-portal which would bring back all the French I learned at school. Or even just the ability to perform a nuanced range of shrugs.

In reality, the changes have been rather more surprising and rather less useful. Here are some details about my life now:

- I inexplicably save all envelopes from the mail and use them for writing lists and notes to myself.

- I scour the cosmetics sections of supermarkets and pharmacies for products containing Argan Oil as Parisian water is doing something a bit weird to my hair, and then I get affronted by the ridiculous price of toiletries over here and refuse to buy them.

- I am totally au fait with Danone’s entire product-range, and am involved in creating a detailed ranking system for small desserts in pots.

- I buy a real actual TV guide again. Mainly because the writing in it is quite short, and I can usually understand it.

- I am never without a 1 litre bottle of Evian. Ever.

- It’s not got Evian in it though. I obsessively fill the bottles with tap-water and chill them in the fridge in a weird system of rotation, drinking and rinsing.

- All my shopping lists end with ‘Don’t buy cheese.’

- I watch a lot more television here. Usually US dramas dubbed into French. This week I have watched the same episode of House three times. Or as they call it here, Dr [H]ouse.

- There is a polar-bear who lives in my fridge. And he is basically my new best friend who I talk to more than I talk to anyone else at the moment. And he talks back. And it’s great if I can get him to ask, ‘What are you looking for?’ and sometimes he gets angry and shouts at me to ‘Shut the fridging door!’ 

And some of you think I’m making this up and / or I’ve actually gone mad. But those of you who know me but at all know that this is wholly and completely true.